There are times when our search for love takes us to the wrong place at the right time or the right place at the wrong time. Whether you had a father who was physically, spiritually, emotionally and all other ‘-lly’ there for you or not, whatever ‘stand’ your father had plays a vital role in your life. Perhaps good, perhaps bad or so-so. For the most part, until somewhere in my early 20s, I didn’t need to be in that sort of relationship. Until my college years, I doubt if I really needed to be in a regular man-woman relationship that sometimes leads to marriage. Well, is not that I wouldn’t have eventually been in a relationship supposing I had a very good father-daughter relationship. Who knows? I wish I had an answer for that! I seem to have been trying to find a replacement sort of ‘fatherly’ love from all the wrong places.
The absence of a father from a very tender age came with its aches and disappointments. There was this yearning for something from men that I thought could play the ‘fatherly’ role in my life. I loved the attention and care but these were only short-lived. I was looking for, and wanted someone to replace an emotionally and physically absent father. There was resentment too and mistrust for men at large and the walls I built around me to overprotect myself from any further heartaches and disappointments. Disappointments and anger and hurt and pain and more heartaches. It seemed like a never-ending cycle! Factually and per experience, I have come to know that a woman’s subsequent relationships in life with other men are affected by the relationship she has or had with her father. I have no statistics here but is no hearsay.
Back in the book of Genesis, when God created man and woman and gave Eve to Adam as his wife, their marriage wasn’t just about them but also about the next generations. I believe that their fruitfulness and multiplication wasn’t just in relation to prospering in the Garden of Eden – probably representing their current world but also a huge responsibility towards their children. God’s purpose for marriage does not only relate to man and his wife but to the society as a whole. When a man and a woman come together as a husband and wife, their union does not only bring pleasure and peace to their Maker and themselves but also their children and generations beyond. A couple’s staying power in marriage affects their children’s whole make as individuals.There is the great possibility of a child to grow ‘wholly’ when growing at a solid home. A home where both parents are one in love and unity and there is peace and understanding. And in the midst of all these, the role of fatherhood cannot be underestimated. Why does satan hate marriages and the family? He continues to fight from all angles to tear this premier institution of God apart. There is a lot of work to be done here.
The healing process is painful and uncomfortable with a lot of scars but it can only take the full grace and love of God to heal such deep wound and fill the void. Is a process that takes time and patience and work and conscious daily efforts to come out as an overcomer and a survivor. It involves brokenness, tears and forgiveness and more forgiveness.
Perhaps you are or have been in a similar situation. How do you overcome? How did you overcome?
FORGIVENESS. First, forgive yourself and forgive your father. I used to blame myself a lot for not having a ‘present’ father. I thought it was all my fault. Then it turned to anger at myself then to my father. Whatever be the reason, just forgive yourself and forgive him. He did what he thought he knew best. You are the ‘free’ one when you forgive. Whoever or however our earthly father is or was, God is OUR FATHER. He is ours. We were only lent to them(fathers) for a certain period on earth and guess who they need to be accountable to? GOD. Is not in our place to hold anything against them. Just forgive and know that we’ve still gotten a Father who loves us beyond the love of any earthly father.
LOVE YOURSELF. Love yourself and build your self-esteem. Learn more about yourself and discover wonderful things about your uniqueness.Make the best of every opportunity that comes your way and enjoy being you. You can love someone better when you love yourself best. You can only settle for the best when you don’t subject yourself to mere crumbs of life. Nothing less!
ALL MEN ARE NOT THE SAME. When you’ve harbored so much pain and anger within for many years, it is quiet disheartening as we violently spew these emotions to another innocent victim. Don’t let another man pay another’s sin. Just because one of them behaved in a certain way doesn’t mean that they all do or are the same. NB: We should probably save this talk for another day. No pun intended. Was there even a pun? Lol. I guess we understand it from here. All men are not the same. Repeat after me. Repeat. All men are not the same. Repeat.
Are you in a similar situation now or have been before? How are you coping? Is it over yet?